


Between the Shadows

by Watermelandrea



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Eventual Smut, F/M, My First Fanfic, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Pre-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Pre-The Falcon and the Winter Soldier (TV), Reader-Insert, Slow Burn, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:28:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23505385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Watermelandrea/pseuds/Watermelandrea
Summary: After the events of Ultron, you flee Sokovia to start your new life in Bucharest. Settling into your new routine, you meet an ordinary man at a market. But what is the story behind his blue eyes?Quick note: I know I have not updated in a while but I have not abandoned this story!! Work and prepping for grad school has gotten the best of me but I’ll be back soon! Tentatively I’ll update March 2021. XOXO
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Comments: 13
Kudos: 57





	1. The Market

It was finally Saturday; your favorite day of the week. You’d tried getting into a routine since moving to Bucharest. You’d tried starting to heal from losing your parents, your friends, your life. After the Avengers defeated Ultron you decided to leave what was left of Sokovia. There was nothing there for you anymore. Now in a large city you could surround yourself with strangers and noise and try to forget. It was lonely sometimes but you would accept that if you didn’t have to reopen those wounds. 

You woke up early; you hadn’t really slept a full night since the “event”. You were plagued with nightmares, often waking up screaming in a cold sweat. Rolling out of bed with a groan you stumbled into the shower. Your bathroom wasn’t luxurious, none of your apartment was but it was finally a home. If you could call it that. Maybe someday. You had tried to spruce it up some with art and plants; the small things that brought you just a little bit of happiness. Standing and staring into the steamed up mirror you decided you needed to get outside for the day. Some fresh air might perk you up. You put on some jeans, boots, and a sweater; opting to grab a jacket as well just in case. Hair wavy from air drying and no makeup- you headed out the door. 

You walked down the street admiring the changing leaves. Autumn was your favorite season. The cold nights and the colors in nature made you smile just a little. You saw your neighbors walking their dog and they wave. They’ve always seemed nice and you’d strike up casual conversation in passing but you usually avoided the people in your building. They have invited you for dinner several times since moving in but you weren’t quite up for socialising that much just yet. You haven't made many friends at ll, honestly, except for Claire at work. She had moved here from France about 5 years ago and was actually the one to hire you. But was she really a friend? You rarely spent time together outside of work except for the occasional glass of wine at the restaurant around the corner from the gallery. You didn’t want to burden her with your issues and baggage. She seemed too happy for that. 

You arrived at the market and decided to grab some coffee first. Oh delicious coffee. One of your guilty pleasures in life. Along with sweets. You grab a pastry too. Why not? Life isn’t worth it without caffeine and sugar. You walked up and down the rows saying hello; most of the vendors know you by name now. You frequented this market because it reminded you of the one in Sokovia. It gave you a small sense of peace; some had even moved to Bucharest when you did as refugees. 

And then you see him. Across the market. You hadn’t seen him before. He was tall. So so tall. And handsome. He had dark hair that fell to his shoulders and was wearing a ball cap. At that moment he looked up and locked eyes with you. They were a beautiful blue. Blue like the sky. You realize you’ve probably stared too long and quickly avert your gaze feeling warmth rush to your cheeks as you blushed and quickly turned away from him. Wow, I hope he doesn’t think I’m creepy, you think to yourself. You start to walk away but glance over your shoulder one more time. He’s gone. “Well so much for that” you said quietly under your breath. You’ve decided that was enough excitement for you and head back home. 

Arriving back home you slipped into more comfortable clothes and cozied up on the couch to watch a movie but your mind wandered back to the man at the market. He was so handsome; you couldn’t stop thinking about those eyes. You shook your head and let out a sigh. You hadn’t looked at a man that way in well over a year but then again you hadn’t seen a man that handsome in just as long. 

Monday comes too quickly for your liking but it's at least a distraction. You hadn’t stopped thinking about that guy the rest of the weekend and felt so pathetic about it. The gallery is actually a great place to be; surrounding yourself with world renowned local art. You stop by a cafe on your way in and decide to grab Claire some coffee as well. You arrive and she cheerfully says hello and thanks you for the coffee. 

“So how was your weekend? Do anything fun?” she asks. “Well Saturday I went down to the market then on Sunday I decided just to watch old movies all day” you replied. She looks at you with her lips pursed. “That’s all you ever do, dear but as long as you enjoy yourself. Find anything fun at the market?” You start to blush and look at the floor thinking about the gorgeous man you saw. “No not really, just a croissant” as you nervously chuckle. She smiles at you and cocks an eyebrow, “you sure about that?’ You sigh. “Well there was this really hot guy but I accidentally stared at him like a creep and I think I scared him off”. Claire began to laugh. “Scared him off? Probably because YOU are so gorgeous. I bet he felt like the creep.” “Ok well enough about that” you say as you walk off to greet a client entering the gallery. 

The rest of the week flew by; the gallery was so busy. Friday afternoon comes and Claire insists on having a drink after work. You agree since you declined the last three times. “I really need to be more social” you think to yourself. Claire orders her third glass of wine while you are still mindlessly swirling what’s left of you first. She’s talked about her boyfriend for about an hour now. You don’t mind. They seem really happy together; they’re a picture perfect couple. And let’s face it, you didn’t have much to talk about but being around her bubbly personality was probably good for you, right? She notices you aren’t paying attention. “Hey are you ok?” she asks. You lie “Yeah I’m just exhausted from this week”. It was really because sitting there at the cafe reminded you of home. You’d go to dinner weekly with your parents at a place similar to this in Sokovia. Lately you seemed to be getting by without always thinking of them but sometimes little things reminded you of the pain. You hug and kiss Claire on the cheek. “I think I’m going to just head home.” She understands the real reason without you saying anything. Before you walk off she pipes up “Hey are you going to go to the market again tomorrow?” with a devilish grin. “Shut up, Claire” you giggle as you turn to walk off down the street back to your apartment. 

You tossed and turned all night. When you did slip into a light sleep you had nightmares of Sokovia. Of Ultron and his army of robots. The death and destruction. The Avengers. From what you saw on the news after the fact, it seemed that even though they “saved” Sokovia, they were the ones to start the whole thing to begin with. Weren’t they supposed to be “Earth’s Mightiest Heroes”? You’d been the only person you knew to make it onto a helicarrier. The sound of the screams would haunt you forever. You awoke in the morning in a cold sweat and drug yourself to the shower. Routine is what you needed so routine is what you would do.

You headed out to the market again; it was a beautiful morning. You said your usual hellos and went straight for the cafe for your coffee fix. As you turned the corner you slammed face first into a broad and muscular chest in an olive green jacket. “Oh shit, I am so sorry” you yelp as you look up to meet a familiar pair of blue eyes. Eyes that you’ve thought about all week. Your face flushes bright red as you hop back, apologizing again. “No, no it's my fault” he said with a shy smile. For some reason you boldly blurted out “let me buy you some coffee since I practically knocked you over.” He lets out a low chuckle. “How could I say no? My name is James by the way.”


	2. James

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've been watching you  
> For some time  
> Can't stop staring at those oceans eyes  
> Burning cities and napalm skies  
> Fifteen flares inside those ocean eyes  
> Your ocean eyes

“James” you say,, “it's very nice to meet you”. You go to the counter and order two cups of coffee. When you return he stands up and pulls a chair out for you. For some reason you were a nervous wreck with your hands sweating and shaking. It’s not like you hadn’t flirted or dated before but this was the first man that wasn’t Claire’s boyfriend that you’d actually sat down with since you moved here. He seemed calm though, albeit shy; hands in his lap with his hat hiding his eyes. You take a sip of coffee and steady your hands. “So James, where are you from?” He smiles and pauses, “New York actually, but I haven’t been there in a very long time. What about you?”. “Sokovia” you reply. His smile drops immediately. “Oh...I'm so sorry,” he says. You both fall silent for a few moments neither of you knowing what to say. You break the silence “So I moved here after and began working at an art gallery not too far from here”. The rest of the morning he mostly prompted you to talk about the art gallery. After a while it came easily to you and you wondered if you were being TOO talkative. Something about him made you feel comfortable, almost soothing. You didn’t notice the way he was looking at you or how much he was enjoying just hearing you talk.

You looked down at your watch; it had been almost two hours. “Oh my god, I’m sorry I’ve taken up your whole morning. I should really get going too probably” as you stood up to leave. He stood as well; a small grin creeping to his face. “You need to stop apologizing to me, doll. Which way are you going?” “Towards Old Town,” you said. “Oh, I’m going that way as well. May I walk with you?” You wondered if he was truly going that way or maybe, just maybe, he didn’t want to leave your company quite yet? 

Good god he is tall, and built too. You notice he has to slow his steps to keep your short pace. You walk along mostly in silence, suddenly too shy to say much. You realize you sound so silly to yourself but you are just in awe of this gorgeous man. “Well this is me,” you say, stopping in front of one of the many historic buildings on the street. You loved this neighborhood. Your apartment was small and not at all fancy but it had such charm and history. It had to be 200 years old. It wasn’t Sokovia, but Romania definitely felt pretty close to it. You had always dreamed as a little girl of moving to a big city; this just isn’t how you expected it to happen. 

He stops and turns to you; rocking back on his heels and putting his hands in his pockets. “So uhm it was very nice to meet you today,” he says looking down at you. “And thank you for the coffee.” You look down at your shoes, suddenly shy again, and take a deep breath. You have no idea why you have been so outgoing today. “Yeah you too! So would you like to exchange uhm numbers? Maybe do this again?” Wow what the hell had just come out of your mouth? A surprised look creeps across his face. He smiles, “Ha well, I am not really one for technology but I’ll see you soon I bet?” He winks and you smile and nod and hurriedly turn to head up the front stairs. Once you get inside your apartment, you shut the door and slide on your back into the floor. Holy shit he was hot and you’d never felt that way around a man before. What had just happened?

Monday actually couldn’t have come soon enough this time. You’d had too much time on your spare hands on Sunday to think about James. Claire immediately greeted you walking in with a bit too much cheer at the gallery with coffee. “So, did you go to the market on Saturday??” she drags out with a smile. You immediately blush. Why were you blushing so much lately? Claire stares at you wide eyed. “You saw that guy again didn’t you! Did you talk to him this time?” She urges you on. “Well uhm,” you say, “I actually ran straight into him, literally.” Claire nods, begging you for more. “And uhm then we sat and had coffee and he walked me home.” The squeal that came from Claire was almost ungodly. “Oh my god, really?? What’s his name? Tell me all about him!!”. You continue to blush and stutter. She pulls all the details from you; giddy at every sentence that leaves your mouth. “Oh my god, girl. Are you going to see him again?” She’s practically jumping up and down at this point. “Girl, I’m sorry if I’m being too much for you. I just want to see you happy. You’ve barely gone out since coming to work here. I’m grateful to be your friend but I’m really glad to see you putting yourself out there.” She was right; you didn’t used to be so quiet and reserved. You weren’t going to let the pain of the past hold you back anymore than it had already. 

Another great week at the gallery was in the books. It was a whirlwind culminating in the opening of an exhibit for a new up and coming local artist on Friday night. The event was a success; many of your clients showed up to view the art and several pieces immediately sold. At the end of the night when everyone was gone except you and Claire, she topped off both of your wine glasses and made a toast. “To a wildly successful night...and hopefully to a wildly successful morning at the market with James??” as she clinked your glass. You just shook your head and laughed. You haven't laughed like that in a long time. Claire hugged you goodnight and said “Seriously, go tomorrow and see if he’s there.” 

You trudged up the stairs to your apartment, high heels in hand. Standing at your door you thought, You know what, I AM going to go to the market tomorrow.


	3. Life is a Picnic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I like that you're broken  
> Broken like me  
> Maybe that makes me a fool  
> I like that you're lonely  
> Lonely like me  
> I could be lonely with you

You slept better than you had in months; it was probably all the wine from last night. No nightmares either but you were paying for it with a massive headache. The market. You bolt up from bed with a pit in your stomach. Did you really want to go? You wanted to see him again but the thought made you so nervous you could vomit; or maybe that was the hangover talking. No, I said I was going so I’m going. You stumbled into the shower, the hot water granting you immediate relief. Chuckling to yourself you cursed Claire for topping off your glass so many times. You had fun last night though; the most fun you’ve had since moving here. Maybe Claire was actually a real friend; although she would be your only friend. 

Coffee would fix this. And what a coincidence, they have that at the market. You put a bit more effort into your appearance today; pulling your hair in a loose bun and adding just a little mascara and lip gloss. You didn’t want to look like you were trying too hard but you wanted to be more presentable if you saw James. As you went down the stairs and onto the sidewalk, the pit in your stomach returned; maybe it wasn’t the hangover. 

Arriving at the market it was business as usual. You said your hellos but kept casually looking around to see if James was there. I need that coffee first. As you wove around the market towards the cafe, you looked up, and there he was. Sitting at a table outside the cafe… with two drinks on the table. 

You froze as he looked up and noticed you. Swallowing the lump in your throat you smiled and walked towards him. He stood up immediately pulling out the chair for you again and ushering you to sit. “I got you an iced coffee because I didn’t know when you’d be here. I hope that’s ok” he said. He slid a plate with a muffin on it towards you, “and I don’t know anyone that turns down muffins.” You squeaked out a very small “thank you” and blushed hard, letting out a small cough to try and cover your face. Had he gotten more attractive since last week? His eyes, his hair, his broad shoulders. You caught yourself looking at his lips and dropped your gaze. 

You’d never felt more awkward in your life. “Do you want to go walk around?” you blurted out. He nodded and stood up, waiting on you to go first. You meandered up and down the rows of merchants, ringing your sweaty hands in front of you. He seemed nervous too at least; with his hands stuffed in his coat pockets. “So how was your week?” he asked. Finally, something easy to talk about. You told him about the gallery opening and suddenly felt comfortable around him again. “What about you?” you asked, aware now at how long you had been talking about yourself again. “Oh, nothing really exciting.” Ok then, mystery man. 

Your courage had returned, “Are you hungry? We could get something here and go to the park? Unless you have somewhere else to be?” you asked. A wide grin graced his face, “I’ve got all the time in the world, doll” he said. Doll? Your heart skipped a beat. “Stay right here, I’ll be right back” you said as you scurried off. You went to your favorite vendor and bought some cheese and other snacks. Should I get wine? No no it's not even noon. Calm down, you thought to yourself. You had to stop yourself from skipping over to him. 

You tapped him from behind on the shoulder, “Hey are you r--” he spun around with a hardened brow and grabbed your wrist. You yelped and froze; his grip was strong. His eyes widened and he immediately released you. “I..I’m so sorry. You startled me” he said with a look of sheer horror in his eyes. You stood still frozen with your arm still in the air. Slowly lowering it saying to him, “No no, it's okay. You startled me too”. You let out an awkward chuckle to try and cut the tension. It didn’t work. Rubbing your wrist you asked, “Uhm okay, are you ready then?” He nodded and gently nudged you forward putting his hand on the small of your back. There it was again; the butterflies in your stomach. 

You walked to the park mostly in silence and found a bench to sit on. You started unpacking the food you had bought between the two of you. “So you haven't told me what you do” you said looking up at him. He put his gloved hands in his lap. “Uhm well nothing right now. I’m actually retired from the military so I’m just traveling around now while I have the chance”, he replied. You stuffed a piece of cheese in your mouth hoping he would keep talking. He noticed you glancing between his eyes and his hands. He continued, “I was in the US Special Forces.” He looked at his hands and back at you. He paused looking away from you and took a deep breath. “I lost my arm in combat. It's why I wear the gloves. I don’t normally talk about it; I haven’t in years actually.” You studied his face trying to think of a reply. Maybe that’s why you felt so comfortable with him. He knew the kind of trauma you experienced. “Oh” you said, stuffing more cheese in your mouth. Wow that was a great reply. 

You opted for lighter and more superficial conversation the rest of the afternoon. “Oh wow, the sun is already starting to go down, I guess I should let you go” you said. “May I walk you home again?” he asked standing up. You nodded and he nudged you again with his hand on the small of your back and you shivered; hoping he didn’t notice. The walk to your apartment was much shorter from the park than the market. You took two steps up the stairs of your building and he gently took our hand turning you back to him. “Today was nice, and thank you for understanding about earlier,” he said. Your mind went blank as you now stared eye to eye with him. You’re breath hitched and you tried to steady yourself, and your thoughts. Something welled up inside you and you leaned forward and kissed him; shocking him and yourself. You stopped and pulled away, slowly opening your eyes and steadying your breath. “I, I uhm--”. His lips crashed back into yours as his hands wrapped around your waist, pulling you to him. You leaned into him, weaving your fingers into his dark hair trying to pull him even closer. His kiss was needy, and sloppy, but you didn’t care. You tried to pull him, urging him up the steps with you but he pulled away as he breathed heavily and looked up at you, “I’m sorry. I’ll see you soon though, I promise.” He held your gaze as he stepped back down and turned away from you. He looked back as he walked away smiling at you. 

You unlocked your apartment and shut the door behind you sliding your back down it until you hit the floor. What the fuck just happened?


	4. Call Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?  
> What's gonna be left of the world, oh  
> Every minute and every hour  
> I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more  
> Every stumble and each misfire  
> I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more

You didn’t sleep much that night but that wasn’t uncommon. The only difference this time was that there were no nightmares; just tossing and turning and outlandishly over thinking the previous day. That kiss. Why he stopped. Was it you? No that couldn’t be it; he said he’d see you soon? What was his deal? Maybe he’s just really into being a gentleman. That would be nice for once. 

Finally at dawn you resolved to just get up. Wandering around the apartment finding no solace in the tv, the stack of magazines on the side table, nor games on your phone. You did see a text from Claire though from yesterday. “Did you go? Was he there?” You tossed your phone and groaned pouring more and more coffee into your mug. You meandered back to your bedroom contemplating trying to sleep again but instead reached under and slid out an old tattered box. 

You didn’t have time to take much with you when Ultron attacked Sokovia but you managed to grab a bag with some clothes and this box. A box containing what memories you had left now. Sighing and plopping onto the bed you opened it. Pictures of you parents. Pictures of your best friend Ana- you were friends since primary school. You didn’t know if she made it out but you’d never been able to track her down. 

You dumped the box out onto the bed fighting back tears. A false bottom fell out and a small notebook tumbled out; you hadn’t seen it before. You ran your hands over the worn leather turning it over; a star embossed on the front. It must have belonged to your father. You flipped through the pages; it seemed to be just a log of random notes but in several languages. You weren’t fluent in them but you recognized Russian, and German. You scanned the pages for a while but put the notebook back in the box, unable to make sense of any of it. Most of it was just equations anyways. You hated math growing up. It was probably from his work. You knew he was a scientist but he never bored you with the details, knowing you preferred to talk about art and music instead. Fighting the exhaustion you conceded to sleep even though it was still light out. 

You awoke Monday morning to the annoying and incessant buzzing from your phone on the nightstand. Oh shit, I overslept for work. You texted Claire back and rushed to get dressed. You probably looked awful but maybe no one would come into the gallery today. You rushed out of the door barely remembering your purse and keys. Running down the stairs you froze in your tracks, breath seemingly unable to enter your lungs. It was James, sitting on the bottom step, looking out over the street. You had half a mind to turn around and run back inside; the thought of his kiss Saturday making you light headed. You could just tell Claire you were suddenly sick. You weren’t fast enough; he had already turned to look over his shoulder, seeing you. He immediately jumped up swiveling; his hands still in his pockets with his eyes obscured by that damn ball cap. You started to open your mouth but he looked up and you were frozen again. He interrupted you; well not really, you hadn’t even started speaking yet. “I’m sorry for rushing off like that the other day” he said, “Can I walk with you to work to explain?” 

You let out a breath you didn’t know you were even holding and nodded as you stepped down to the street. How is it you were so bold as to kiss him two days ago yet half the time you stand there dumbfounded just looking at him? You were a grown ass woman, but this still felt like some school age crush. He had to be into you; he sat outside your building waiting for only God knows how long. Stop overthinking this and say something. He spoke again before you could, “I don’t really know what I’m doing. I haven’t uhm, dated a girl in a very, very long time. And I don’t have any friends around here.” You didn’t answer immediately as you were too distracted by looking up at him; his eyes mostly but also his lips. You thought back to that kiss and how they felt against yours, how it felt with his arms around your waist. You snapped out of it realizing you had let the silence go on for too long. You looked down at the sidewalk, “I haven’t either, and I really only have one friend. Her name is Claire; she works at the gallery with me.” 

He stopped, lightly grabbing your elbow and turning you towards him, reaching in his pocket. “I got this,” he says as he pulls out the tiniest little flip phone you’ve ever seen. You chuckled, “Oh wow, that’s fancy.” He looked up, furrowing his brow, “Don’t make fun of me too much. I did it for you after all.” You feel warmth creeping up your cheeks as you take the phone from his hand, pushing the buttons. You were sure he could see it too. You handed it back to him grinning and said “I am super late for work but now you can call me later.” His hand lingered on yours after taking the phone and he slowly leaned down and left a light kiss on your cheek, “Ok I will do that then.” 

Fighting the urge to literally skip off down the sidewalk you swiveled and walked away; taking a few steps then peeking over your shoulder. He was still there, watching you with a small smile on his face. 

You opened the door to the gallery immediately greeted by Claire, “Where have you been???” You sighed, “I’m sorry I overslept.” Wide eyed she replied, “Welllll, tell me about your weekend? Did you go see that guy again? I’ve been dying to hear since you never answered my texts!” You blushed, trying to hold back a grin, “It's a long story, I’ll tell you about it later.” She flipped the sign on the door to say “closed” and turned the lock looking at you. “Well I’ve got time now,” she said with a devilish grin. You dished everything to her, suddenly pouring out every detail as she eagerly ate it all up. She was radiating excitement. “Oh my God, you kissed him?? Was it good?” She practically screamed at you. “Yeah but then he left...but then he was back again this morning and-”. She interrupted you “Oh,so that’s why you were late...” winking at you. “Well no but yes.” You couldn’t stop smiling. 

“Ok, ok let’s get back to work,” she said while unlocking the door, “but I expect a text the SECOND you hear from him again, you hear me?”. You got back to work with a new spring in your step. I wonder when he’ll call me?

The day ended up going by fast and before you knew it you were headed home. “Remember to text me, girl,” she said as you kissed cheeks goodnight. You parted walking opposite ways and not a minute later your phone rang; an unknown number. “Hello?” you answered. “Hey there, it's me.”


	5. I'm a Gentleman

“How was your day?” he continues. You didn’t even reply to his question, just blurting out, “Do you want to come over for dinner tomorrow night?”. Ok we gotta decide if we are going to be shy or if we are going to be bold, you thought to yourself. You heard a low light chuckle on the other end of the line. You could almost hear his smile. “Yes absolutely, how about 7?” he asked. “Sounds great, see you then”. Ok, that went well.

Arriving home exhausted, and deciding you were too nervous to eat, you went ahead and climbed into bed. Staring at the ceiling you sighed heavily and then reached for the box again under your bed. Fingers flipping over the pages again, you reached for your laptop. You spent a while going between the notebook and your laptop translating what you could; trying to make sense of what it was. 

There were several pages of chemical equations you couldn’t make sense of no matter how hard you researched. At the bottom of the page was a name. “Dr Arnim Zola”. Typing that name into the search bar on your laptop your face dropped. 

Hydra. You slammed your laptop shut and stared at the notebook. Did your father work for Hydra? How? Your father was a good person. He could never have worked for such evil. Throwing the notebook on the floor your thoughts swirled as you laid down. Hydra. You eventually gave in to the exhaustion and fell asleep.

No nightmares; no dreams at all. Just darkness. 

Arriving at the gallery the next morning you realize you are actually eager to share your news with Claire. “But you don’t cook,” she laughs at you. “I know, I know. I figured I’d pick up take out and pass it off as my own,” you laugh back. Asking for ideas from her you think to yourself how grateful you are to have her in your life. Grateful that you were finally ready to let your friendship bloom past just being coworkers. She told you to head out early to get ready and she would lock up and you happily took that offer. “Please have fun, you deserve this,” she said as you left. 

You stopped by a restaurant and a wine shop on the way home. You didn’t know if he drank but you sure needed a glass or three. Arriving home you furiously started stashing your clutter into drawers and closets; you should have done this last night. You didn’t have room for a kitchen table so you resolved to scooting out the coffee table and putting some pillows down. Are candles too much?? Looking at the clock you see it's 6:55 already. You practically sprint to throw dinner onto plates and hide the take out boxes deep in the trash can. Unsurprisingly you hear a knock on the door precisely at 7 and take the biggest gulp of wine that’s possible. 

Steadying your breath, you slowly open the door. There they are. The most beautiful pair of blue eyes you’ve ever seen. “Hey,” he simply says. Oh my god his smile. You hadn’t seen him smile much but when he did, your heart did flips. Standing there dumbfounded you snap out of it. “Hey you, come in.” You offered him a glass of wine but he declined. Good, more for me, you thought as you topped off your glass again. “I hope you don’t mind sitting on the floor. I don’t have a real table.” He smiled again “No, not at all,” as he sat down. 

He again prompted you to do most of the talking, and that came easily as you kept topping off your own wine glass. You were hoping to hear more about him but he was definitely the quiet type. After cleaning up the dishes you decided to sit on the same side of the coffee table as him, leaning up against the couch. “You know, you don’t talk much,” you giggled. “Well, you’re more interesting than I am,” he replied. “I highly doubt that,” you say as you scoot a little closer to him. As the silence buzzed between you both, you studied his face. His jaw, his nose, those lips. He was just perfect, you thought. There was something behind his eyes but it seemed to soften as you watched him. You knew that you were damaged goods but what was his story? 

You couldn’t take it anymore and leaned in to kiss him and oh, did he kiss back. He was different this time; more deliberate. He took his time and explored your mouth with his tongue, moving his hands to your hips. In one swift movement he pulled you to his lap; your hips straddling him while you wove your hands into his dark hair. You broke the kiss as you both gasped for air. As you searched his eyes he moved his hand to cup your cheek; rubbing his gloved thumb across your bottom lip. Holding your breath you pressed your body closer to his while he wrapped his arms back around your waist. His fingers brushed up your spine and you shivered. Your lips parted for only a moment leaving you breathless as you ran your hands across his muscular chest. 

It was probably only minutes but it felt like hours. You didn’t want this moment to end. You could stay right here forever. He kissed his way from your jaw, to your neck, stopping at your collarbone, his breath heavy and warm against your skin, A small moan escaped your lips as you ground your hips down on him, feeling a very obvious bulge under you. Your fingers wandered to the hem of his shirt and you lightly tugged it up. 

He stopped you and pulled back. “You’ve had a lot of wine tonight and I’m a gentleman,” he said. You whispered in his ear, “but I don’t want you to be.” He sighed, leaving a slow kiss on your lips as he lifted you off his lap. “Ok,” you whined, “but don’t go.” You sat back down reluctantly, tucking his hair behind his ear. “I’ll stay,” he said leaning back in to kiss you again.

Your eyes fluttered open but it was still dark out. You sat up realizing you’d fallen asleep on the floor. Looking over you notice James is still there, asleep next to you. You check your watch. 3:47am. As you lean forward putting your elbows on your knees, you rub your face. I’m going to pay for all that wine in the morning. James mumbles something. “What?” you whispered to him. He didn’t respond. He mumbled again but it was a different language. He spoke again; it sounded Russian. You noticed he was tossing and turning, muscles twitching. “James,” you said a little louder. Still no response. You leaned over and shook his shoulder, “James,” you said louder this time. He bolted up looking straight through you. His eyes cold like there was no one behind them.

That’s when you felt it. Your back slamming into the floor and the breath being knocked from your chest. He was on top of you, his legs holding you down. You said his name again and he tightened his hand on your throat, crushing on your windpipe and slamming your head back on the floor again. It felt harder than skin and bone. Your head was spinning as you tried to gasp for air. He gritted his teeth and said something again in Russian. You tried to move but he was too heavy, pinning your entire body down. You moved your arms hitting and clawing at him but you felt as weak as a child. You tried to say his name; to say something, anything, but no sound came out. Your vision was starting to go black as you used the last of your strength to try and move one more time. This is it, you thought. He’s going to kill me. He then shifted his weight off of your throat and pinned you down with his forearm. It was barely enough time for you to gasp and scream. His eyes immediately changed, like he had woken up from a dream. He let go of you stumbling back while you coughed and rolled to your side. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” was all he said as he stood up backing away from you. 

Then he bolted out the door.


	6. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, before you go  
> Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better?  
> If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather  
> So, before you go  
> Was there something I could've said to make it all stop hurting?  
> It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless  
> So, before you go

You coughed and groaned rolling to your hands and knees. What the hell just happened? You tried to call out to him as he ran away but a raspy whisper was all that came out. Rubbing your head, you grabbed the couch and tried to pull yourself up. Your head was spinning, feeling like it was going to crack open. You mustered up the strength to get up, steadying yourself on the counter and taking a deep breath, coughing again. You stumbled out of your door and down to the street, almost losing your balance on the stairs. You walked up the street for several blocks; the streets deserted. You turned around going back the other way, fighting back the urge to vomit and stopped to sit on a set of stairs trying not to pass out. You thought, I have to find him. Regaining your composure, you kept walking. You made it a few more blocks and looked up, seeing a figure on a bench ahead.

You moved closer, seeing him hunched over with his face in his hands. “James” you called out. Your voice was still raspy but a little more audible this time. He didn’t get up; instead harshly saying “Get away from me.” You moved a few steps closer. “No. Tell me what the fuck happened back there.” He still didn’t look up, with his head in his hands - “I’m a monster and I hurt you. And I don’t want it to happen again, so you should just go. Just forget about me.” You step even closer again. “Look at me.” He ignores you. You close the gap between the two of you and crouch in front of him, trying to force him to look at you.You softly grab his wrists and he doesn’t resist; finally looking at you while letting out a ragged sigh. 

“I can’t control it,” he says, “I almost killed you.” You stare into his eyes, “But you didn’t.” You sit down on the ground in front of him, still holding his wrists, then intertwining your fingers with his. “It was a nightmare, wasn’t it? You said you were in combat. You probably have PTSD. I have issues too,” you start. He inhaled long and slow, closing his eyes, and shaking his head. “I did terrible things. Every time I close my eyes, I see their faces.”

“Well I told you I was from Sokovia, but I didn’t tell you when I moved here. I was there the day Ultron attacked my city. My parents were killed in front of me. I lost everyone and everything. I barely made it out alive myself.” You took in a shaky breath and continued, “I barely made it to the last helicarrier with nothing but a backpack. Surrounded by my people, bleeding and broken.” Hot tears were now streaming down your face. ‘I see their faces every night too.”

“They were supposed to save us but all they did was destroy us. Destroy our home. Right in front of us, and I’m supposed to thank them?”

You look up at him trying to read his eyes. Your hands are shaking and you feel yourself holding your breath. You held his left hand with both of yours, holding his gaze and he flinched. Slowly pulling off his glove you felt cold metal. You looked down; that’s why it hurt so bad. Letting go of his hands you stand and sit next to him on the bench, tucking your knees to your chest. “You don’t have to explain more if you don’t want to but please come back with me. I don’t want you to be out here alone. And I don’t want you to go” 

He started to stand up and you put your hand on his arm, “Please,” you said trembling. He shrugged off his jacket and wrapped it around you as he pulled you up off of the bench. “Ok,” he said quietly. You hadn’t realized how cold it was until now. You walked back to your apartment in silence. Walking up the stairs you realize you left your door standing wide open when you had stumbled out earlier. Grabbing your phone off the counter you text Claire, “I can’t make it in this morning. Everything is ok. I’ll talk to you later.”

Sitting on the couch you said to him, “We can just sit here. We don’t have to talk. We don't have to sleep...We can just sit here.” He looked at you and nodded as you ran your fingers through his hair. You didn’t know how long you stared into his eyes. All you could see was pain and your heart ached for him. You both just sat there; shadows of yourselves. 

Your eyes fluttered open to the sunlight and you let out a groan. Your head was pounding. You rolled on to your back and looked up, you realized you were laying in his lap; his arm draped across you gently rubbing your arm. He was staring out of the window until he felt you move. His eyes had softened finally. He ran his fingers through your hair and said, “I thought you said we weren’t sleeping?” You sat up and turned to him, “What time is it?” His eyes harden again, the agonizing look of pain in them is back. He reached up and tipped your chin looking at the deep black and purple bruise encompassing your entire neck. “You didn’t mean to,” you start but he pushed you away, burying his face in his hands. 

He was damaged; a broken shell of a man. You knew you couldn’t fix him but maybe you could help him. You weren’t put back together again either. Maybe you met him for a reason. You had to have met him for a reason. Deep down you were scared of him; scared he might hurt you again; that he might actually kill you, but you were scared of not being able to help him. But most of all, for some reason, you were scared to lose him. 

You stood in front of him and pushed his knees apart. You moved closer and pulled his head to your body holding him. “Shhh,” is all you say. You felt his shoulders drop as he wrapped his arms around you and let out a long breath. “I’m going to go take a shower,” you said, “and I hope you’re still here when I’m done but I understand if you leave.” 

You went into the bathroom and shut the door. After turning on the shower you went to the mirror and realized he wasn’t over reacting. You had a perfectly detailed, bruised outline of a hand, all five fingers, around your neck with more bruising extending down to your collarbone. Stepping into the shower you slumped down into the floor letting the hot water pour over you onto your aching body. Hugging your knees to your chest you start to cry. You try to stifle the sobs wracking at your chest and hope he couldn’t hear. That’s if he stayed. Did you even want him to still be there? The image of his face, with his eyes, cold and emotionless, looking straight through you, is burned into the back of your skull. 

You sat there until the water ran cold. Shutting it off, you climbed out and wrapped yourself in a towel and ssat back down on the floor trying to steady your breath; the tears finally stopping, leaving your face red and puffy. You eventually got up, throwing on a robe. You took a deep breath and opened the door, not even sure what outcome you wanted. No sooner than you did, you heard the front door slam shut. You collapsed on to your bed and the tears started again. Hot and stinging your face; you didn’t think you had any tears left in you. He’d left you. Could you really blame him though? He had hurt you, and maybe almost killed you. You knew deep down that it wasn’t him; you knew just looking in his eyes that that wasn’t him. But it didn’t matter now. He was gone and you’d probably never see him again.

Fighting for breath and stifling the racking in your chest you remember- Claire. Grabbing your phone you text your lie, “Hey sorry I was just SUPER hungover. I’ll see you tomorrow!” Your headache was unbearable at this point between the hangover, the crying, and the fact that you got choke slammed by the man you were falling for. Succumbing to the pain and exhaustion, you cry yourself to sleep.

Explosions. Screams. Your ears are ringing as you grab your head. You look at your hands. Blood. Your mother is screaming your name and waving her hands. Five robots between you and your parents. Bright hot white light streams between you. It was lightning. It was too late. Two more descending on them. An arrow whizzes past your head. Turning around a man in all black yells at you but you can’t hear him. Everything is in slow motion and your legs feel like lead. You begin to run, stumbling, crawling. A stranger pulls you up and drags you with them. A helicarrier. You made it. You collapse on the bench. The city breaking apart. 

You sat up in bed gasping for air. Your hands were shaking and you were drenched in sweat. Nightmares weren’t unusual for you but they were never this vivid or real. The time- 5:00am. You tried to catch your breath and steady yourself. Might as well get ready for work. It would be too suspicious for you to call out sick again. You remembered the bruise and rummaged around for a scarf and applied as much concealer as you could. Arriving to work early, you dread waiting on Claire and her inevitable questions about your “date” and wonder what kind of lie you can come up with.

You hear a cheerful voice come through the door, “You’re here early!!” You groan to yourself looking up to Claire with a fake smile. “Are you feeling better? Must have been one hell of a date to be that hungover. I brought coffee!” You gritted your teeth and smiled more, “Ah thanks so much”. You took a sip of coffee knowing you were just putting off the inevitable. “So tell me all about the other night. It must have been great if you needed all of yesterday off,” she says leaning in towards you and winking. 

“It went well,” you started, “until uhm it didn’t.” Claire looked at you confused. “It was great to start. Dinner was great, the wine was great,” you slightly chuckled, “and then it just went downhill, I don’t know,” you trailed off. You’d had so much time to craft a new story and you came up with that. Now she’s going to ask more questions. “You don’t know?? What happened??” she asked. “Well we kissed.” Her eyes lit up. You thought back to sitting in his lap; feeling his lips on yours; his arms around you. “But then I don’t know, he apologized and said he wasn’t ready for anything like this yet.” Yep, that was it. That was the lie you so carefully crafted. “So I finished off another bottle of wine and went to bed and felt like shit yesterday.” Luckily your lie left Claire a little speechless. “Oh I’m sorry to hear that. I’m sure he’ll come around and call though,” was all she said. 

He didn’t call.


	7. Next Week

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now I just wanna stay here and fall into midnight  
> Want nobody else now, only you feel right  
> Time enjoyed wasted's not wasted time  
> So stay 'til the morning, stay for a while  
> I just wanna lay here and fall into midnight  
> And fall right into you

Chapter 7

Claire didn’t bring up James the rest of the week and you were thankful for that much at least. The weekend was here and you were done with wallowing in self pity. You woke up Saturday and decided some fresh air would be good for you. It was a beautiful sunny day but the air was still crisp and cool. You meandered down the street admiring the city but suddenly found yourself at the market. It wasn’t so much a surprise and you knew why you followed the pull towards it. Your heart fluttered. Maybe he’d be there. You wandered up and down the rows occasionally looking over your shoulder. You stayed a few hours buying a couple things and having a bite to eat. You never saw him. You started feeling sorry for yourself again so you decided to go home. You felt ridiculous. You were better off without him in your life. 

Monday came around again. I guess my life is back to normal, you thought. Claire came bounding in, her usual joyful self, and your heart filled with dread. “How was your weekend?” It was all she said but you could see in her eyes what she really meant. “Oh it was fine, didn’t do much. What about you?” your eyes pleading with her to just let it go. 

Tuesday was much the same, and she invited you to dinner after work. You declined. You went home and tried to watch tv but all you could think about was last Tuesday, as much as you tried to forget.

Wednesday and Thursday were no different either. 

Friday, Claire extended the offer again. You finally gave in, knowing her persistence wouldn’t stop. “I promise we don’t have to talk about him,” she said as you both left the gallery. Dinner wasn’t so bad afterall. Claire took the opportunity to occupy you with the details of the next upcoming artist showcase the gallery would be hosting. Your face must have been an open book though. You could tell by the way she hugged you and told you goodnight. 

It had been well over a week now without seeing him. All you thought about was him. You thought again about how his arms felt around you. Hiis beautiful eyes. Then you thought about him attacking you; about how cold and dead those same eyes had turned. The bruise on your neck had started to fade;itn now just blotchy with edges of green and yellow. 

You sat up in bed with a start; it was the middle of the night. Did you hear something? You heard it again. Someone was knocking on your door. You got up, wrapping your robe tightly around you, and tiptoed to the door. You leaned up to look out the peephole and you froze. It was James.

You opened the door slowly and looked up at him. He was more beautiful than you remembered. Before you could say anything, he stepped across the threshold crashing his lips into yours; teeth clacking together. He crouched, grabbing your thighs and lifting you up. You wrapped your legs around him and kissed back, biting his lip. You felt like your breath had been knocked out of you but yet at the same time like you could finally breathe again. He came back to you. Kicking the door closed behind him, he pushed you against the wall as your legs wrapped tighter and your hands shot into his hair. “You came back,” you mumbled into his mouth. He kissed his way up your jaw, whispering “I’m sorry,” into your ear. You took his face in your hands searching for answers in his eyes.

He carried you into the kitchen, setting you down on the counter. He took your face in his hands and turned your chin, rubbing his thumb along your jaw inspecting the fading bruise. You shrugged his hand off. 

“Why did you come back?” you asked. “Because I couldn’t stop thinking about you,” he said looking at you. He put his hand on your cheek, looking at your neck again, “because I owe you an explanation for leaving.” You stared at each other for a long moment. The silence was deafening. Just do something, you thought. You put your hands on his shoulders and leaned in, planting a long kiss on his lips. “Later,” you whispered, putting your forehead against his. You shakily took his hands and moved them to the belt of your robe, urging him to pull the ties. He got the hint. As the silk fell from your shoulders, goosebumps covered your skin and you shivered. You wrapped your legs back around him, pulling him closer. You inhaled deeply and then whispered, “I want you.”

His hands roamed up your bare thighs to your waist and you shivered again at his touch. He left a trail of kisses from your jaw, down your neck, and across to your shoulder. His hands moved to the hem of your camisole and you instinctively put your arms up as he pulled it up and over your head. He kissed you again urgently; with his hands running over you like he was trying to memorize every curve of your body. A small moan escaped your lips as you pulled his hips closer to yours; feeling his growing length between your legs. He kissed and nipped his way down to your breasts and in return you arched your back wanting more. One hand was kneading your breast; the leather of his glove catching your nipple. He continued his way down and you laid back on the cold hard counter, hearing the crashing of the items you had knocked off into the floor. The sound that escaped your lips was half moan and the other half, laughter. 

His hands wandered back to your hips, grasping the sides of your panties. He stopped, looking up at you as you lifted up your hips for him to slide them off. You were now laying there, completely exposed as his eyes drank up every inch of you. He moved your legs up over his shoulders and began kissing up your inner thigh, skipping over and kissing down the other. Feeling his hot breath on your skin as you wiggled, silently asking for more. He dropped his head back between your legs, drawing a straight line with his tongue up your slit; eliciting a low moan from you as your back arched more. 

His touch was intoxicating. Your head was spinning. You barely knew him and the last time you saw him ended badly. But you needed him right NOW. You thrust your fingers back into his hair, pulling him into you. “Shit,” you moaned as he ran his tongue down you again. You felt his hands leave your legs and seconds later, ice cold metal on your skin. He teased your entrance, slowly inserting two metal digits. “Fuck,” you gasped. “Shhhh,” he murmured into your thigh, slowly pulsing his digits in and out of you. The sensation was overwhelming and you’d never felt anything like it. He moved his mouth back over your heat and flicked your clit with his tongue and you cried out again. You were aching for his touch and needed it with all of your being. You grabbed his hair and tugged begging for more. You felt a low growl from him as he licked and sucked hard at your clit, metal digits curling inside you. This wasn’t going to take long. The pressure was building faster than you could have imagined. “Oh shit, James,” you gasped as your vision went white; sparks ripping through your body. Clenching down on his digits, you gasped for breath as the wave of pleasure washed over you. You were left panting with your hands over your face when you felt his arms snake under you, lifting you off of the counter and carrying you to your bed. 

He gently laid you down, covering you with a blanket. Muscles still shaking, you grabbed his elbow, “Don’t go.” He chuckled and bent down, kissing you on the forehead. “I’m not going anywhere,” he whispered. He shrugged off his jacket and kicked off his boots, sitting on the other side of the bed from you. He pulled you up so were resting on his chest as he ran his fingers through your hair. 

“So that explanation,” he started. You looked up at him but his gaze was fixed on the wall. “I...I have a lot of memory loss. I don’t remember most of my life. And I haven’t found a way to fix it or a way to stop the nightmares. So I’m afraid I’ll hurt you again...or worse.” His face dropped. You rubbed your hand up his chest and he continued, “I was captured and they…. they did things to us. Tortured us.” You looked up at him brushing a piece of hair from his face. “How did you escape?” you asked. He finally looked down to meet your eyes. “I don’t remember.” The agonizing pain had swept across his face again. He leaned over and scooped his jacket off the floor, digging in the pockets. “I try to write down what I remember,” he said as he pulled out a small journal. “I’m trying to piece the good things back together but I remember a lot of horrible things too.” You laid your head back on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. Your eyes heavy with exhaustion, you felt him kiss your forehead. You didn’t mean to fall asleep so quickly.

Explosions. Screams. Your parents. Lightning. Blood. Sokovia. 

You sat straight up in bed screaming and thrashing, hitting something hard next to you. It was James. He pinned your arms to your sides and pulled you into his chest. “Shhhh, it’s ok. You’re safe. It’s ok.” Your fists balled into his shirt as your screams turned into cries. Racking sobs shaking your whole body as you gasped for air. It felt so real this time. More real than when it happened. He continued holding and soothing you for….you didn’t know how long but you finally started to catch your breath. You sat up with your blanket wrapped around you, tucking your knees to your chest, letting out a long sigh. You noticed it was light out this time. James ran a single finger down your bare spine and you shivered, forgetting you were completely naked and you blushed. You wrapped the blanket tighter and turned to him. “I guess...I guess we are even now on nightmares,’’ you sniffled, trying to smile. He stood up and leaned over, cradling your face in his hands. “Do you want coffee?” he smiled as he kissed your forehead. Yes. A resounding yes.


	8. Good Morning

James made his way to the kitchen as you slipped out of bed and into the bathroom, taking the sheets with you. Behind the closed door you realized...your clothes and robe were still strewn about the kitchen floor. You slid your back down the door, sitting and quietly laughing about the whole situation. Then the thoughts of his touch, his kiss, his embrace swirled around you. You rummaged around in your hamper and found a sweater and some shorts. You brushed your teeth and tried to fix your hair somewhat. 

You tried to walk into the kitchen quietly to gather your clothing from the floor before he turned around but he heard you. Standing there with last night’s panties in your hand, he turned around smiling with a steaming cup of coffee. Red crept up your face as he leaned down and picked up your camisole. “Sorry if I made a mess last night,” he said, biting his lip. You erupted into full embarrassed laughter realizing just how much other stuff you had knocked off the counter too. “Yep, definitely looks like a good time was had here,” you giggled, covering your face. 

He walked over to you, handing you the cup of coffee and kissing you on the forehead. “Do you have any plans today? If not, I’d like to be your plans.” he asked. Wow. The thought of that offer made your heart do flips. “As tempting as that is, I actually have very important plans today,” you replied. He cocked an eyebrow at you as you continued, “We have a new gallery showing in a couple of weeks and I am having lunch with the artist today. She’s from Sokovia too.” He took your head in his hands, leaning down for a long kiss. You lightly bit his lip trying to keep them on yours just a little longer. “I will get out of your way then. I hope you have a great time. I’ll talk to you soon,” he said as he left one more small peck on your lips. 

You immediately saw Katerina when you walked into the cafe. She was hard to miss with her bright auburn hair. She stood to meet you, embracing you in a tight hug. This was your first time meeting her but it was comforting to be with someone from home. It was so wonderful that you almost cried. Katerina was an up and coming artist already in London where she had lived the past few years but she had decided to come back to her roots in eastern europe. After lunch, the two of you went to the gallery to meet up with Claire. This was going to be the biggest showing you had worked on. It was exciting and daunting at the same time. 

You came home and collapsed on the bed exhausted yet again. You decided to send James a quick text before trying to doze off but somehow you couldn’t fall asleep. Tossing and turning, staring at the ceiling, you felt a pull. A pull to the box under your bed. You reached under sliding out the box, opening it to the leatherbound notebook. You knew now it held nothing good but you couldn’t help it. You needed to know what else was in there. 

You flipped to where you had left off weeks ago. Dr. Arnim Zola. You flipped pages and pages. The notes were dated from anywhere from the 1940s until just a few years ago. The next log entry- The Winter Soldier program. A serum given to soldiers to make them incredibly strong. Hydra was using them to create assassins 

That seemed familiar to you- but not Hydra. Isn’t that how they created Captain America?

You didn’t know why you kept going back to it. Absolutely nothing good would come from it. Hell, most of it didn’t even make sense to you. Almost unbelievable. But your country being destroyed by an army of robots was unbelievable to you not so long ago. 

Your father must have hid the book in your belongings because no one would look through your stuff. This was all so crazy. Your father was a good man. Throwing it back under your bed you let out a long sigh, trying to smother yourself with your pillow. 

You and Claire worked tirelessly for days on end; Marc often having to bring you both dinner. You had been so tired when you got home that you went straight to bed every night. You had been so busy you didn’t even notice James hadn’t texted you back until now. You decided to call him once you got home. 

“Hey doll,” he immediately answered. “I thought I’d call since I hadn’t talked to you in a few days. Did you get my text?” you asked. “I did but I couldn’t figure out how to reply,” he said. “Oh my god, what are you like a 90 year old man?” you said. You heard him chuckle, “Ha, yeah something like that.” His lack of technological prowess was quite cute and endearing honestly. 

“I would have called sooner but I’ve been working late every day,” you continued. “But I’d like to make time for you,” you said hopefully. “That sounds wonderful,” he said. 

You were beyond exhausted the next night but wanted to make good on your word. “Hey doll,” he immediately answered again. Doll. It made your heart flip every time you heard it. “How was your day?” he asked. You yawned into your reply. “It's been the toughest exhibit I’ve worked on but Katerina’s art is worth every moment of it. What are you up to?” 

You tried your hardest to stay awake. You really were interested in what he was up to. He talked about a couple books he had been reading. They were about WWII. You enjoyed listening to him talk because you didn’t hear it much. He eventually heard you yawn though you tried to hide it. “I should let you go to sleep,” he said. “No, no it's okay. I’ve been living on coffee and sheer will for a week. I don’t want to hang up yet.” He insisted again for you to get some sleep. “Well before you go, would you like to come to the opening with me Friday night?” you asked. There was a pause on the other end. He finally spoke, “Parties aren’t really my thing, Plus I don’t want to get in the way of your work. But I’d like to go do something with you after?’


	9. You Win

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You don't have to say you love me  
> You don't have to say nothing  
> You don't have to say you're mine  
> Honey, I'd walk through fire for you  
> Just let me adore you

Katerina’s opening was a success and all of your hard work had paid off. You sold several paintings of hers that night, with several other clients telling you they would be in the following week to purchase a piece. At the end of the night you sent Claire home with Marc and told her you would finish cleaning up. You hadn’t told her you were seeing James again. You didn’t really know how to...plus you weren’t even sure where it was going or if he’d stick around. 

Not long after you heard the door creak open. You turned around towards the door. “Wow, you are breathtaking,” he said. Red crept up your face. “Stop it,” you laughed. He was the breathtaking one. It never stopped surprising you just how handsome he was. He stepped to you, taking your hand, and spun you. “No really, you are”. He pulled you into his broad chest and your breath stopped. He leaned down to kiss you and you melted. You were like putty in his arms. He pulled back and you snapped out of it. “Uhm let me finish up and grab my purse, then we can go.”

He wandered the exhibit for a moment before walking over to the lounge area to wait for you. He plopped down on the couch, watching you the whole time. You locked the door and began shutting off the lights, walking to stand in front of him. “So do you want to go and get a drink or something? I know a great little place around the corner,” you said. He reached down, grabbing your ankle and pulling off your high heels one by one. You steadied yourself on his shoulders and gulped. Not breaking his gaze from yours, he ran his fingers up the back up your legs and under your skirt. You shivered, your skin covered in goosebumps. You clenched your thighs together feeling the warmth pool between your legs. “Yeah, we can do that...or something,” he said. Your breath caught in your throat as his fingers danced along the lace of your panties. 

You knelt on the couch straddling him, “Or something,” you mumbled crashing your lips into his. He pulled back and buried his face in your neck; nipping, licking, and sucking his way down your collarbone while his hands wrapped around you kneading the flesh of your ass. You sat back and fervently began fumbling with his belt buckle, ripping it from the loops with a smack. You worked at the button and zipper to his jeans next, finally revealing his hot throbbing cock as it twitched under your touch. 

Blood surged through your veins, your body trembling, completely fixated on him. He dug bruises into your hips with his thumbs. “Oh James,” you purred into his ear. At the sound of your voice, he wrapped his arms around you, flipping you to the floor on your back. He hovered above you, breath heavy, his dark hair falling to frame his piercing blue eyes. After one more kiss he sat up, sitting on his heels. You moved your hands down to hike up your skirt as he pulled your panties down. He placed his hand on your stomach, his thumb reaching down to draw small circles on your clit. He brought his other hand up to his mouth, teeth biting the tip of his glove to remove it. You felt the sensation again- a cold metal digit slowly sliding inside you. 

“Oh shit,” you gasped and arching your back and covering your face. “Look at me,” he whispered. You looked back, locking your eyes with him as he slid a second digit in. He slowly pumped them in and out as you clawed at the rug beneath you; squeezing your knees into his hips. It felt absolutely amazing but you needed him right now, not his fingers. You grabbed his wrists, pulling him back on top of you; his arms resting on either side of your head. You reached between your legs to stroke his cock; slickening the head with your own wetness, pushing him slowly inside you. He growled in your ear, grabbing your wrists and pinning them down as he thrust into you. You could feel his pulse pounding against your chest. 

He ran his hands up and down your body, kneading at your breasts over the fabric of your dress. You wished he would just rip the fabric off of your body. You wrapped your legs around his waist pulling him closer, locking eyes with him. “Harder,” you whispered. He stopped and grinned, taking it as a challenge. He sat up back on his heels again grabbing your hips; each thrust eliciting a moan or yelp from you. You bucked your hips into him, desperate and needy. He placed his hand on your stomach, using his thumb to rub small circles around your swollen clit again. “Mmm fuck yes,” you groaned. He smiled and hummed in response, quickening his pace. 

Every thrust caused a higher and louder cry from you. He rubbed your clit harder and faster. “Don’t stop,” you choked out between moans. Pleasure ripped through you, nerve endings raw and hot. The noise that left your throat was somewhat of a gargled scream. He fell back down on top of you, the walls of your cunt contracting and milking his cock through to his own climax. His hips jerked once more, filling you up. The only remaining sound in the room was that of your heavy breaths. You didn’t know if you should break the silence or not so instead you kissed him, intertwining your fingers into his hair. 

He slowly slid out of you collapsing onto his back next to you. “Wow,” you finally said, slowly exhaling. “Mhmm” was all you heard in return. You turned to look at him but he was already looking back at you. You propped up on your elbows. “I will be right back.” You went to stand up, legs shaking like a newborn giraffe. You grabbed your things and stumbled to the bathroom. After cleaning up you stared at your phone contemplating texting Claire. You wanted to tell someone. She was the only person you really had to tell too. But she didn’t even know you were seeing him again so you decided to wait. 

Your legs steadier now, you sauntered back out, finding James on the couch waiting. You sat down next to him. “That was-” you started. “Mhmm,” he interrupted, touching your chin and kissing you again. “So do you still want to go get a drink?” he asked. “I just uhm, need a minute,” you laughed. You slid down the couch, laying your head in his lap. “5 minutes” you said. But between working two weeks straight, what had just happened on the floor, and James gently scratching your scalp, your eyes immediately fluttered closed. 

You woke up suddenly, forgetting your bearings. It wasn’t light out yet but you could tell it was almost dawn. You were still in his lap but his head was leaned back and he was asleep too. You were somewhat afraid to move, remembering what happened last time you woke him up. “James,” you whispered softly touching his chest. “Hmmm?” he said sitting up. “I...I was a little scared to wake you up.” You could feel the hurt that your phrasing caused. You shouldn’t have said that. He sat you up next to him. “I haven’t had a nightmare since the night I came back to you,” he said, pulling your hand up and kissing it. Your heart fluttered. “I guess we need to go. Will you come back to my place?” you asked. “I’ll walk you home but you’ve had a long two weeks so I’ll just let you go sleep.”

You walked home hand in hand as the sun rose over the city. He kissed you on the forehead and sent you upstairs, despite your protesting. He was right though, your eyes closed immediately when you collapsed back into bed. When you woke up again it must have been well after noon. Claire had texted you asking if she needed to go back to the gallery for anything. You told her it was all taken care of. Then she asked if you still wanted to go shopping. You wanted to go back to sleep but you had agreed to it Friday before she left. Claire’s 30th birthday was coming up. You’d agreed to go to a new dance club with Katerina and two other of Claire’s friends. 

“Can’t we just go to a nice dinner?” you asked looking through the racks. “I’m doing that with Marc and his parents. Come on, it’ll be fun!” she replied. She shoved you into a dressing room with an inordinate amount of dresses that were just not your style. But it was her day so you’d try.

All of the dresses you owned were more on the conservative and professional side, for working at the gallery. Clubbing clothes weren’t something you owned. Each time you opened the curtain you earned an “oooo” or “ahhhh” from her. 

Too glittery. Too neon. Too see through. “I’m not wearing sequins,” you laughed. She shoved another one around to you. “Just try one last one,” You pulled the curtain back and Claire gasped and clapped, “that’s it!” You sighed, she was right. It looked amazing. 

“Okay Claire, you win.”


	10. Can I Buy You a Drink?

You stood in front of your mirror tugging at your dress. It hugged all of your curves just right but it was a lot shorter than you normally wore. The showstopper though was the back. It was entirely open from your neck to your low back. You didn’t know how Claire had talked you into it but she was right- it looked damn good. So good that you had asked James to meet you after. 

You arrived at the club at the exact same time as Claire. She had invited two other friends and Katerina. Inside they were waiting on you both, with shots lined up for everyone. The club was insane. You hadn’t been anywhere like it since a summer trip with friends to Greece back in university. Lights flashing, loud music, and suddenly you weren’t so self conscious about your dress. All the women were dressed just as revealing. 

Katerina had mysteriously gone to the bar and returned with another round of drinks almost instantaneously. You knew what kind of night it was going to be. “Oh my god I love this song!” Claire screamed, grabbing you and dragging you to the dance floor. You were apprehensive but decided to just let go and finally have fun. All five of you bouncing in the crowd to the music, you felt a glimpse of true happiness. “Do you want more drinks?” you yell over the music. A resounding “woooo yeahh!’ came from the girls. 

You hopped through the crowd to the bar, still bouncing to the music as you waited on the bartender. “Hey how are you doing?” you heard from your left. You turn to see a tall handsome man with dark skin and honey eyes. “I’m Sam. Can I buy you a drink?” You smiled and laughed. “Sure but you have to buy a round for my friends too,” you said pointing over to the dance floor. They all hopped in unison waving at you. A huge grin crept up his face, “Oh yeah I can definitely do that.” 

You lead him back over to meet the girls at your table. Sam introduced himself around the table. Katerina slid around to him, “Oh an American boy. Are you visiting for business or pleasure?” He slid closer to her, “A little bit of both it seems. Do you want to dance?” They disappeared in the crowd and you turned back to Claire, finishing off your drinks with the other two girls. One worked at a coffee shop. You were almost certain her name was Amelia. And the other, Christina, you didn’t remember what she did, just that she regularly bought art from the gallery. 

Claire started chanting “More drink. More drinks.” You laughed, “Girl you have to slow down. Let’s dance some more.” Katerina and Sam were in their own little world in the middle of the crowd. You wondered what it would be like to dance with James like that. But you were pretty sure he’d rather die than come to a place like this. Your stomach knotted and fluttered thinking about seeing him tonight. Every time you saw him you clammed up like it was the first time. 

The other patrons had taken notice of your little group with the girl with the birthday tiara at the center. Too many drinks were sent over for just her alone to drink so you and the other two had to help her out. You could usually handle yourself with a lot of wine but liquor was different and you were way past tipsy. You looked at the time...it was past 2am. Claire was slurring her words at this point. “I think I am going to take her home,” you yelled over the music at the group. “Do you need any help?” asked Sam. “I got it but thanks. It was really nice to meet you!” as you turned to wink at Katerina. 

Outside in the cool air you realized Claire’s apartment was the opposite way from yours. She was too drunk to put in a cab alone. “Claire, do you want to have a sleepover with me?” She giggled stumbling into you, “YESSSS”. You texted Marc for her so he wouldn’t worry and hailed a cab. Inside it she laid in your lap humming to the radio. The cab pulled up in front of your apartment and you saw a large figure stand up off of the steps. Oh shit, James. You forgot. How did you forget? 

You opened the door to get out and he walked across the sidewalk to you. You noticed he froze as you helped Claire out. “I am so sorry” you mouthed to him. He stood there, unsure of what to do. Claire was saying goodbye to the cab driver over her shoulder and stumbled forward right into James’s chest. “Oh my, I’m sorry”, she said as she looked up his broad chest. “Who are you?” You stepped in and pulled her hands off his chest. “Claire, this is uhm this is James.” Her eyes got wide. “Oh my god JAMES like THE James?? Wow he’s hotter than you told me.” You could see he was uncomfortable, shifting back on his heels looking around. 

“Claire, can you take my keys and go on up while I say goodbye?” you asked. She nodded and took your keys, teetering up the stairs. You turned back to James, wrapping your arms around his neck. “I am so so sorry. I did not plan bringing her back here and I just forgot to call you and tell you.” He leaned down wrapping his arms around your waist. “It’s ok, you’re a good friend for taking care of her.” He lifted you up off of the ground and kissed you. You sighed into his mouth, kissing him deeper. You were suddenly interrupted by the loud sound of “WOOOOO!!!” and kissy noises. Looking up, it was Claire at the top of the steps. “Claire, oh my god be quiet or you’ll wake up the whole building!!” “Okay okay,” she said going back up the steps. This time you both waited on her to disappear. 

You turned back to James. “It’s cold out here. Follow me. I have an idea but we have to be quick.” You took him by the hand and led him down the hall and back stairs, coming to a door where you entered a code on a keypad. Once inside you turned on one light. You turned and pushed him against the wall. He smirked down at you, “A laundry room, huh?” You interrupted him with your lips. He snaked his hands around your waist, fingers grazing your back. He stopped, asking you to turn around. You obliged and looked back at him over your shoulder as he shrugged your jacket off. His jaw dropped and he was speechless. He ran his fingers up your bare spine and you shivered, covered with goosebumps.

You took a few steps away from him and spun back to face him, almost losing your balance. “You’re drunk,” he chuckled. “No I’m not!” you said fighting back laughter. “That dress is just...wow,” he said. You smiled back, “Why do you think I asked you to come over?” You took a few more steps backwards until you bumped into a dryer. The room was silent except for the sound of breathing. You locked eyes with him and shimmied your skirt up just an inch and pulled down your tiny pair of lace panties, kicking them across the floor. “Don’t tease me like that,” he said, licking his lips. “I’m not teasing you. Get over here,” you replied. 

He closed the gap between you in seconds, descending upon you like a predator to prey. He scooped you up by your thighs, slamming you onto the top of the dryer. He almost crushed your skull pulling you into his lips, his fingers wrapping into your hair. Your hands furiously attacked his belt and jeans, unzipping them and pulling out his already hot and hard member. You wiggled your hips to the edge, running the head up and down your wet slit. You wrapped your legs around him, squeezing him to plunge his cock inside you with one thrust. You threw your head back and cried out. “Shhh you’re going to wake up the whole building,” he whispered into your ear. He slowly pumped in and out of you a couple times as you adjusted to the size.

He kissed his way down your jaw to suck on your neck. You wrapped your legs tighter, grinding your hips into his, your clit finding enough pressure and friction on his body. He bucked into you harder and quicker as you buried your face in the crook of his neck to muffle your moans. You leaned back as he buried his face between your breasts. The pressure built as you ground into him. Your skin was on fire, electricity coursing through your nerve endings. You didn’t care if anyone heard you as you cried out your climax. He pulled you back to his chest as your pulsing walls squeezed him to his end. Both of you breathless holding each other. 

You kept your legs around him, looking up and pushing his hair back off his face, sweat beading on his forehead. He held you close, kissing your cheek. “I missed you,” he whispered in your ear. You pulled back surprised, “Really?” He smiled pressing his forehead to yours. God you loved that smile but you never saw it enough. “Yes really. You are all I can think about. I feel like my real self when I’m around you.” You sat up straight, tucking your hair behind your ears. “I feel the same way. And I want to see you more,” you said back. He slid you off of the dryer to your feet, pulling your panties over your heels and up to your hips. “You need to go before Claire notices you haven’t come in yet,” he said. 

You both walked back outside, the cold air now feeling good on your hot skin. You pulled him back to you, “Would you like if I took a few days off of work for just...us? You know, do something other than maybe have sex in semi public places?” He let out a hearty laugh like you hadn’t heard before. The sound made you truly happy. “That sounds lovely. Call me whenever you two wake up.” He picked you slightly off the ground again, smothering your lips with his. You wanted to stay like this forever. “Goodnight doll,” he said as he set you down and turned to leave, walking down the front steps. 

You crept into your apartment and into the bathroom. Claire was already in your bed. You turned on the light and were horrified. Your mascara was smudged below your eyes, your hair frizzy and sweaty, and several hickies starting to form on your collarbone. You cleaned up and changed, sliding quietly into bed next to Claire. “Thank you for tonight,” she mumbled, “and I am really glad we are finally friends. I love you.” You kissed the back of her hand, “Me too, Claire, and I love you too. Goodnight.” You laid your head back to stare at the ceiling, wishing for good dreams.


	11. The Winter Soldier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry I ghosted you all and didn’t post for 3 months.

You awoke the next morning with a groan; hearing Claire roll over doing the same. “Holy shit,” she mumbled. “Yup,” was all you replied. You stumbled to the kitchen to grab two water bottles then flopped back on the bed next to her. “Did you have too much fun last night, birthday girl?” you laughed at her. “Not as much fun as you,” she replied. “What do you mean by that?” you asked.

“Don’t think I was too drunk to notice how long you were gone after I came upstairs,” she said, cutting her eyes at you. Your face flushed as you gave her a shrug, pretending to not know what she meant. “What, did you guys hook up in the stairwell or something?” she teased. “No, the laundry room,”you said as you slapped your hand over your mouth. 

You both erupted into laughter. “Why didn’t you tell me you were seeing him again? How long has this been going on?” she asked. “Well, it happened so fast and I didn’t know where it was going so I didn’t know how to bring it up,” you said. “Well give me all the details NOW,” she giggled. 

“Well, like a week after our date gone wrong he showed up out of nowhere apologizing. He’s got some issues, but I do too. We talked it through though. One thing led to another though…” you trailed off. Her eyes got big.

“And then things got really busy with Katerina’s opening…” you continued. “Uh huh...you should have invited him!” she said. “Well I did but he met me there after,” you replied. “Wait is that why you send Marc and I home before cleaning up?” she asked, sipping her water.

“Maybe,” you said, trying to keep a straight face but failing miserably.”And then we...well.” She choked and tears started streaming down her face she was laughing so hard. “And then last night… the LAUNDRY ROOM,” she giggled. “Well, I don’t blame you. He’s fucking hot. And you deserve to be happy. I’m glad he came back. But seriously, you could have told me about all of this. I would have loved to hear about it,” she winked. 

“On that note; could I take off a day or two this week?” you asked. “If it's for him, the ABSOLUTELY,” she said. 

You slept off the hangover most of the afternoon with Claire going home at some point while you were asleep. You finally got up around dark, called James to invite him over the next day, and decided to do some laundry. Standing at the washing machine you couldn’t help but laugh at the thought of last night. You went back upstairs, remade your bed, took a shower, and rummaged around the kitchen for something to eat. You decided you were still just too hungover and slid back into bed for the night. 

You woke up early; unable to sleep from nerves, deciding to clean up and organize around the apartment instead. You had started to doze back off sitting on the couch when a knock on the door awoken you. Opening the door and looking up at his smile made you forget all about the night before. “Good morning,” he said, leaning down to gently kiss you. “Hi,” you whispered, wrapping your arms around his neck and kissing him back harder. He leaned into you, walking you backwards as he dropped his backpack and kicked the door shut. Your back connected with the wall and you felt him grab your thighs to lift you up. You kissed from his jaw down to his neck as he walked you across the room, sitting down with you in his lap, straddling him. You ground your hips on him, feeling he was already hard. His hands ran down your back, squeezing your ass. He then flipped you over on to your back, hovering over you. 

You pushed your lips back to his, biting his bottom lip as you ran your fingers up his shirt and across his abs. He ran his hands up and down your body making you squeeze your legs tighter around his hips. You ran your hand down and began unfastening his belt and he dug the fingers of one hand into your hip in response. His other hand ran up to your collarbone, firmly wrapping his fingers around your neck and turning your head to kiss your cheek and whisper in your ear. “You’re so beaut-” he started but the pressure of his thumb running up your throat triggered the memory of that night. You saw it behind your closed eyes like you were there again.

You grabbed his wrist and bucked your hips; kicking to get away from him. You clamored back to the edge of the couch as your eyes flashed with panic. He put his hands up, “Woah woah. Are you okay? What’s wrong?” You gasped for breath, your pulse pounding in your head. Your hand was over your neck, “I, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to panic. I just…” you trailed off. The realization of your fear washed over him and his face dropped. “Oh my god, I am so so sorry.” You stared back at him, your heart still racing. He continued, “I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I hurt you again. I can barely live with myself now after what I did.”

You moved back closer to him, still slightly shaking, and took his hand in yours. “It's okay, I’m okay....” you trailed off again. He pulled your hands up, kissing your knuckles. “Do you want to go get some fresh air? I can get you some coffee?” he asked. You nodded forcing a smile, and he pulled you up off of the couch holding you against him. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered again, kissing the top of your head. 

The cool air outside felt good on your flushed face. You walked along hand in hand mostly in silence, arriving at a park. It was mostly empty, being a weekday. He ushered you to a bench and seemingly disappeared around a corner. He shortly reappeared with two coffees and a small paper bag. “I hope that’s a muffin or something,” you grinned. He handed it to you, sitting down next to you and planting a small kiss on your forehead. “I’m sorry about freaking out on you like that,” you said biting into the muffin. “Don’t apologize,” he said, brushing your hair from your face. 

You took another bite and heard someone call out your name behind you. You turned around to see Katerina a little ways down the sidewalk. “I’ll be right back,” you said as you hopped up and jogged to her. 

“Oh my god is that him? He’s hotter than Claire even described,” she said. You put your arm up blocking her, “Yes it is but he’s pretty shy. Let’s talk about you though. How did the rest of the night go with that Sam guy?” you winked. “Well I don’t want to kiss and tell,” she laughed, nudging you, “Ok just kidding. I did NOT take him home with me but I did give him my number. So we’ll see. But I guess I will let you get back to that gorgeous man over there.” 

“Who was that?” James asked as you sat back down. “That was Katerina. She thinks you’re hot,” you smiled, taking a sip of coffee. He looked a bit confused and that made you smile more. 

“So I have a serious question I’ve been meaning to ask you,” you said sliding closer to him. “Hmmm?’ he cocked his eyebrow at you. “Well when we first met, you said that you were kind of just traveling through Europe and I was just wondering uhm...how long are you staying in Romania?” He leaned towards you, tucking your hair behind your ear. “I’m not sure really but I think I’m going to stay awhile,” he said, leaning in to plant a light kiss on your lips.

You really hated public displays of affection but there was nobody around so why not. You leaned back into him, grabbing his face and kissing back. Between kisses you asked, “Are you ready to go back yet?” “Mhmm,” he hummed back into your lips. 

You both tumbled through your apartment door laughing, still kissing, pawing at each other. Shrugging off each other’s jackets he walked you backwards setting you atop the kitchen counter again. He kissed down your jaw to your collarbone as he worked on the buttons of your shirt. “Wait hold on,” you said grabbing his head. “I’ll be right back.” You hopped off of the counter and slipped around the corner to the bathroom. 

A few moments later you returned. He was in the living room with his back to you, looking at your bookcase. He heard you and turned around. You noticed he was holding something. A book. It was your father’s red notebook. “Where did you get this?” he said calmly. “Its uhm-” you started.

He charged at you from across the room yelling, “Where did you get this? Who do you work for?’ He was in your face by this point as you shrunk back towards the wall. “How long have you been following me?” He pinched your chin forcing you to look at him. “Did Pierce send you?” He wasn’t angry. You could see in his eyes he was absolutely terrified of you. Of that notebook. “I never should have trusted you,” he spat through gritted teeth. 

He turned around, throwing the notebook at the wall. You walked towards him with your hands up. “Baby calm down. That’s my father’s notebook and I only found it a few weeks ago. I am who I say I am. Please trust me.” He was pacing back and forth trying to decide if he would listen to you. “Will you tell me how you know what that notebook is anyways?” you asked. 

He stopped pacing and faced you, removing his gloves then reaching back and pulling his shirt off over his shoulders. You stepped back and gasped. His metal prosthetic went well past his elbow, up his shoulder and connecting to his chest. You felt incredibly stupid for not having felt that under his clothes. 

You stepped up to him, taking his metal hand in yours. You moved your hands up to his wrist and forearm, the ridges and grooves in the metal flexed like muscle. Then you moved up to his bicep, pressing your palm on the red star emblem inset into the metal. “Hydra did this to you,” you whispered. You moved your hands over his shoulder to his chest where the metal met his skin. It was fused with thick scars. “Why did they do this to you?” you asked, looking up at him. His face was twisted in pain and shame, looking away from you. 

He shrugged your hands off of him and picked the notebook up off of the floor. He opened it, turning to a certain page before handing it to you. “This is what they did to me,” he mumbled. It was a page you had read before.

“The Winter Soldier Program”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed! This is my first time writing a fic. Let me know what you think!


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